Story of domestic violence: The penis as weapon and immigration status as a means to humilate and intimidate the victim
Immigration status as a means
to humiliate and intimidate the victim
By: Jorge Yeshayahu Gonzales-Lara
This is the story of Mary a Dominican women as a victim of domestic violence that occurred in the city of New York. Unlike victims of stranger violence, victims of domestic violence cannot walk away, even if the abuser would let them. The complexity and strength of the intimate relationship creates many barriers to dissolution.
Domestic violence is behavior done in the context of an adult intimate relationship. In domestic violence cases, the abused party and the perpetrator are intimates usually family or ex-family to each other. The abused party is affected by domestic violence in many of the same ways as victims of violence perpetrated by strangers, but also is affected in unique ways since the abuser is an intimate rather than a stranger.
However, such effects of trauma are accentuated and recidivism is more likely in domestic violence case due to the fact that the abuser, unlike the perpetrator of stranger violence, has on-going access to the victim, knows the victim’s daily routine, and can continue to exercise considerable power and control over the victim’s daily life, both physically and emotionally.
Unlike victims of stranger violence, victims of domestic violence cannot walk away, even if the abuser would let them. The complexity and strength of the intimate relationship creates many barriers to dissolution.
This is the story of Mary a Dominican women as a victim of domestic violence that occurred in the city of New York. During the course of the several interviews, the following facts pertaining to her situation emerged which indicated she is a victim of domestic violence during her marriage.
HISTORY OF COURTSHIP & MARRIAGE
Mary related that around June of 1992, she first met her future husband, Luis, at a friend’s birthday party. She indicated that they started seeing each other on a weekly basis and after about six (6) months or, they began living together. At that time, Luis was not steadily employed and she had to maintain the bulk of the household expenses.
They began to have some problems because of his unsteady employment. She indicated that suddenly he stopped coming home about a year or so after he had moved in. Though she tried to locate him she was unable to do so and eventually as time passed, she tried to forget about him. Then after about two (2) years, around 1996, Mary indicated bumped into him at a school where she was taking classes and he was working as a security guard. He spoke of their destiny to meet again and how God wanted them to find each other and be together. They began seeing each other once again.
Mary related that she was attracted to her husband because he was very attentive and flattering. He also was very affectionate and put her on a pedestal. From the beginning, he displayed signs of being extremely jealous and controlling. Mary initially interpreted this as a sign of his love and concern for her. After reuniting, about a few months later they began living together. He subsequently asked her to marry him.
Mary related that he told her his previous relationship had failed because his wife had been unfaithful to him. (She later found out he had been married at least three times previously.) They lived together for about 6 months prior to marrying on March 15, 1997 in New York. Their families and friends were present and afterwards they had a celebration at their home.
HISTORY OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Mary related a pattern of psychological, emotional, sexual, economic, and physical abuse that occurred throughout the duration of their marriage.
Economic abuse: Mary indicated that after they reunited, they went to live in the house she was renting in Long Island. By that time (around 1997), Mary was working as a security guard and had two (2) jobs. After they married, he insisted that she should not work.
This was hard for Mary who was accustomed to always providing for her family. Though she tried to reason with him, he insisted she could not work and that a woman’s place was in the home.
As a result, she was home all day and he would call her constantly to check up on her. If she did not answer the phone immediately, he would question her as to why she had not responded promptly. He would give her the money for the household expenses, but would want to know how every penny was spent.
Emotional abuse: Mary indicated that her husband always and constantly verbally abused, cursed, and humiliated her. He often would talk about her immigration status and try to denigrate her. Mary indicated that her husband continued to engage in a regular pattern of emotional and psychological abuse. He would call her names and treat her in a demeaning manner.
He constantly would refer to her as “illegal”. She related that there were many occasions in which he threatened her regarding her immigration status or would try to use this to humiliate her.
Another problem they had from the beginning was that every weekend, from Friday to Sunday, he would invite friends over to drink. Mary related that he often humiliated her in front of his friends. Mary indicated that she finally decided to take a part-time job because it was very hard for her to be home all day and subjected to his constant calls to check on her.
She took this job without his knowledge or consent. She was able to do this for about two weeks until one day on July 18, 1998 she suffered an accident running across the street from her job to meet her daughter and rush home and was hit by a car. She was severely hurt and had to be hospitalized for several days.
The perpetrator husband was extremely upset that she had been working without his permission and initially refused to go visit her. When he did visit her, he verbally abused her and accused her of having been with another man. Mary indicated that her marriage grew worse from that date on.
Sexual abuse: Mary indicated that after her accident in 1998 in which she suffered numerous injuries including to her pelvis, the sexual abuse grew worse. Because it was difficult for her to have intercourse, Mary also related that he sexually abused her in that he would force her to have anal sex which she was not accustomed and objected to.
On one occasion, which occurred around early 2000, she related, he came home intoxicated and tried to force her to have sex. When she objected, he told her he was the man of the house and that’s what he had married her for.
Mary indicated that her husband would force her to have anal sex and this would cause her rectal bleeding. Mary had to seek medical attention for her condition but was too ashamed to tell the doctor who treated her about the rectal bleeding.
Mary indicated that her husband drank alcohol excessively on the weekends and for that reason she dreaded the onset of the weekend, as this was when she most experienced the sexual, emotional and psychological abuse by her husband.
Mary related that he would insist on having relations while intoxicated and that he would be unable to complete the sex act. As a result, he habitually would then put his hand inside her vagina with the pretext that he wanted to please her sexually.
However, Mary indicated that he would cause her extreme pain, discomfort and humiliation. If she objected, he would threaten her or accuse her of not wanting to have relations with him because she had another man. .
Physical abuse: Mary indicated that the instances of physical abuse occurred in the privacy of their bedroom. They occurred when Mary tried to force her to have sexual relations or when she objected to the sexual activity he was trying to engage in.
On one occasion, which she said occurred around 1999, he was trying to force her to have anal sex and she refused. He pushed her so hard she hit her mouth across the footboard of the bed. This caused her mouth to swell and bruise, and her teeth were jarred loose. According to Mary the bruises she sustained bruises lasted over two (2) weeks and she was unable to leave the house for that period.
Because Mary was so afraid and ashamed, she told everyone including her family and dentist, that she had fallen. As a result, Mary has permanent dental damage, which she has not been able to repair.
Mary indicated that in August of 2001 her husband left the home and has not returned.
EFFECTS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
ON THE VICTIM BY THE PERPRETATOR
As is typical of domestic violence victims, they suffered in silence and did not share the intimate details of the abuse they were experiencing. It was especially hard for them to divulge the intimate details of their sexual relationship and they expressed that it was very hard for them to relate this to this social worker, counselor, and any other professional.
The sum effect of the failure of their marriage has left their feeling very sad, traumatized, and in the victim words “a failure” and with no desire to live.
The victim finds it to trust others, especially men. Mary often recalls how the perpetrator treated her. She went through a very difficult period after separating in which the victim was withdrawn, very sad, lacked energy, cried constantly, and was unable to sleep. The victim also was very fearful of perpetrator and continues to be afraid of perpetrator.
When the victim discussed the reasons remained in the relationship, they identified a variety including their love for and attraction to perpetrator, the victim desire to have the relationship work out, and the victim hope that could help him, the perpetrator. These are all common reasons why victims of abuse remain in such situations.
The victim has experienced various types of abuse by their perpetrator husbands including emotional, psychological sexual (penis as a weapon) and economic abuse. It is apparent that the perpetrator husbands used the immigration status as a means to humiliate and intimidate her. The victim did marry their husband in good faith and made every effort to try to maintain the relationship because they loved their husband and wanted the marriage to succeed. They desperately wanted this marriage to work as they have had one prior failed marriage.
The effects of the domestic violence, changes in attitude towards life, low self-esteem and sense of failure which have resulted from the abusive marriage.
Mary related that she has not sought help due to feelings of shame and lack of information about resources in their community. She stands to benefit immensely through ongoing education and support regarding the victim options. Participation in a support group for victims of domestic violence might also prove beneficial to lift the sense of isolation and shame that victims of domestic violence often experience.
The Psychological control of abused parties through intermittent use of physical assault going along with psychological abuse: such as verbal abuse, isolation, threats of violence, is typical used against prisoners of war and hostages. Perpetrators are able to control abused parties by a combination of physical and psychological tactics since they are so closely interwoven by the perpetrator.
The domestic violence is purposeful and instrumental behavior.
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