Story of Domestic Violence: The Complexity and Strength of the intimate relationship creates many barriers to dissolution
The story of Paola a Peruvian woman
as a victim of the domestic violence
The complexity and strength of the intimate
The complexity and strength of the intimate
relationship creates many barriers to dissolution
Por: Jorge Yeshayahu Gonzales-Lara
The domestic violence is a behavior done in the context of an adult intimate relationship. In domestic violence cases, the abused party and the perpetrator are intimates usually family or ex-family to each other. The abused party is affected by domestic violence in many of the same ways as victims of violence perpetrated by strangers, but also is affected in unique ways since the abuser is an intimate rather than a stranger. However, such effects of trauma are accentuated and recidivism is more likely in domestic violence case due to the fact that the abuser, unlike the perpetrator of stranger violence, has on-going access to the victim, knows the victim’s daily routine, and can continue to exercise considerable power and control over the victim’s daily life, both physically and emotionally.
Domestic violence is a pattern of assaultive and controlling behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, that one adult intimate does to another. The domestic violence consists of a wide range behavior, including some of the same behaviors found in strange violence. Some acts of domestic violence are criminal: hitting, choking, kicking, assault, touching, forcing sex with third parties, threats of violence, harassment at work, stalking, destruction of property, attacks against pets, etc.
The Psychological control of abused parties through intermittent use of physical assault going along with psychological abuse: such as verbal abuse, isolation, threats of violence, is typical used against prisoners of war and hostages. The verbal abuse includes disparaging, degrading, discrediting language, sometimes profane and often obscene.
These verbal attacks are fabricated with particular sensitivity to the victim’s vulnerabilities. Perpetrators are able to control abused parties by a combination of physical and psychological tactics since they are so closely interwoven, by the perpetrator.
The complexity and strength of the intimate relationship creates many barriers to dissolution.This is the story of Paola a Peruvian woman as victim of domestic violence that occurred in the city of New York. During the course of the several interviews, the following facts pertaining to her situation emerged which indicated she was victim of domestic violence during her marriage, the following facts pertaining to her situation was obtained.
HISTORY OF COURTSHIP & MARRIAGE
Paola came to this country from Peru in November of 1992. Paola related she comes from a close-knit family and that in her native country, she worked as a journalist. She came here with savings of $3,000 and with that money managed to rent a room the same day she arrived in the United States.
Her first job here was as a by sitter, and later she was employed as a waitress. She learned English by studying in the library and by getting tutoring from the Volunteers of America. Her initial years here consisted of working and studying English. She had just a few friends.
Paola related that she met her future husband in December of 1995 at a dance. Her initial dates with him consisted in meeting for coffee. She described him as being very friendly, a gentleman and very generous. She felt they complemented each other as he was very open and spontaneous and she was more reserved. They saw each other frequently over the course of the next five to six months. He then asked her to marry him indicating that he wanted to change his life. He related his previous relationship had failed in part due to his drinking. Paola indicated that during their courtship she saw him intoxicated a few times and that on several occasions he failed to come through on his promises. He professed his love for her and made her feel happy and optimistic. She indicated she accepted his marriage proposal because she felt alone and yearned to have a real home.
HISTORY OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Paola related that about six (6) months after dating, on 5/29/96, they married in a civil ceremony. She felt very happy in the beginning of their marriage. He professed his love for her and she indicated that he brought her much happiness.
She indicated though they had different interests (for example, he enjoyed music and sports and she likes literature), they enjoyed going to the movies together and visiting friends.
Emotional abuse
A few months after marrying, she noticed some subtle changes in his behavior. For example, he would call her stupid or a moron. He often did this in front of others, on a few occasions, in 1997; he jokingly said she was not good for anything and that she did not even know how to dance properly. In the presence of her friends, he would often treat her poorly. He would yell or try to correct her actions in front of others. This behavior on his part often caused her to feel very bad and disrespected. However, in the beginning she thought that she was wrong or had acted improperly.
She was very forgiving whenever he apologized. The constant humiliation and demeaning continued throughout their marriage. He would mimic her English. He refused to help her practice speaking English and would only criticize but not help her to improve.
Paola often felt frustrated because he would not support her efforts to study. He would also demean her appearance and tell her she was old, old fashioned, boring and not sexy. He also proved to be inconsiderate of others as well. On one occasion, he put the music up very loud and when she asked him to please lower it, he began to yell at her and refused to do so.
The perpetrator husband also constantly brought up her immigration status and consistently would try to intimidate and humiliate her. He felt she should content herself with menial jobs because she was an immigrant and should not aspire to anything better.Economic abuse
Paola related that he suggested they bring her son to reunite with her. In the beginning, he was okay with the child. But when things began to deteriorate a year after marrying, he complained of being delegated to second place. Whenever they argued, the child would get upset and cry.
The perpetrator husband would yell at the child and tell him to shut up. Even though during their first year of marriage they had shared equal responsibility for household expenses, he became less responsible. He would not work consistently and if Paola would inquire as to why he wasn’t working he would become extremely upset. As a result, Paola has to bear the weight of the financial expenses, which caused her to feel exploited. Paola indicated that initially she had wanted to have a child with her husband as she yearned to have another child. But when she noticed his change in behavior and irresponsible nature, she decided it would not be wise to have a child by him.
Sexual abuse
Paola also related that her husband sexually abused her throughout their marriage and would force her to have sex with him. The last incident of this type occurred on August 11, when she related he came home intoxicated and used physical force to compel her to have sex with him.
As a result, she called the police and obtained an order of protection against the perpetrator husband in Family Court.
As is typical of abusive personalities, the perpetrator husband would often blame her for all the incidents. Periodically, he would ask for her forgiveness and promise to change. However, when she would ask him to see a psychiatrist he would refuse and tell her she was the crazy one.
The result of the different forms of abuse she experienced has been a noticeable change in the perpetrator husband’s personality. For example, she no longer feels secure about herself and believes her self-esteem has been severely damaged. She finds it hard to trust others or to accept positive feedback.
Physical abuse
Paola has experienced various types of abuse by her perpetrator husband including emotional, physical, sexual and economic abuse. It is very clear that he used her immigration status as a means to control, intimidate and humiliate her.
Furthermore, Paola married her perpetrator husband in good faith and made every effort to try to maintain the relationship because she loved her husband and wanted to keep the family unit intact. It has been a very painful and disappointing experience for Paola to have her marriage fail and to have suffered much abuse in the process.
The complexity and strength of the intimate relationship creates many barriers to dissolution. Paola indicated that her perpetrators husband’s left the home and have not returned.
EFFECTS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
As is typical of domestic violence victims, the victim suffered in silence and did not share the intimate details of the abuse the victim were experiencing. It was especially hard for the victims to divulge the intimate details of her sexual relationship and the victims expressed that it was very hard for the perpetrator husband.
The sum effect of the failure of the victim marriage has left her feeling very sad, traumatized, and in the victims words “a failure” and with no desire to live.
The victim finds it them to trust others, especially men. The victims often recall how the perpetrator treated them. The victims went through a very difficult period after separating in which the abuser was withdrawn, very sad, lacked energy, cried constantly, and unable to sleep. The victims also were very fearful of perpetrators and continue to be afraid of perpetrator husbands.
When we discussed the reasons, the victim remained in the relationship, the victim identified a variety including her love for and attraction to the perpetrator desire to have the relationship work out, and the victim hope that she could help the perpetrator husbands. These are all common reasons why victims of abuse remain in such situations.
The victims have experienced various types of abuse by the perpetrator husbands including emotional, psychological sexual (forced to have sex) and economic abuse. It is apparent that the victim’s husband used the immigration status as a means to humiliate and intimidate the victims. The victims did marry her husband’s in good faith and made every effort to try to maintain the relationship because they loved their husband and wanted the marriage to succeed.
She indicated though they had different interests (for example, he enjoyed music and sports and she likes literature), they enjoyed going to the movies together and visiting friends.
Emotional abuse
A few months after marrying, she noticed some subtle changes in his behavior. For example, he would call her stupid or a moron. He often did this in front of others, on a few occasions, in 1997; he jokingly said she was not good for anything and that she did not even know how to dance properly. In the presence of her friends, he would often treat her poorly. He would yell or try to correct her actions in front of others. This behavior on his part often caused her to feel very bad and disrespected. However, in the beginning she thought that she was wrong or had acted improperly.
She was very forgiving whenever he apologized. The constant humiliation and demeaning continued throughout their marriage. He would mimic her English. He refused to help her practice speaking English and would only criticize but not help her to improve.
Paola often felt frustrated because he would not support her efforts to study. He would also demean her appearance and tell her she was old, old fashioned, boring and not sexy. He also proved to be inconsiderate of others as well. On one occasion, he put the music up very loud and when she asked him to please lower it, he began to yell at her and refused to do so.
The perpetrator husband also constantly brought up her immigration status and consistently would try to intimidate and humiliate her. He felt she should content herself with menial jobs because she was an immigrant and should not aspire to anything better.Economic abuse
Paola related that he suggested they bring her son to reunite with her. In the beginning, he was okay with the child. But when things began to deteriorate a year after marrying, he complained of being delegated to second place. Whenever they argued, the child would get upset and cry.
The perpetrator husband would yell at the child and tell him to shut up. Even though during their first year of marriage they had shared equal responsibility for household expenses, he became less responsible. He would not work consistently and if Paola would inquire as to why he wasn’t working he would become extremely upset. As a result, Paola has to bear the weight of the financial expenses, which caused her to feel exploited. Paola indicated that initially she had wanted to have a child with her husband as she yearned to have another child. But when she noticed his change in behavior and irresponsible nature, she decided it would not be wise to have a child by him.
Sexual abuse
Paola also related that her husband sexually abused her throughout their marriage and would force her to have sex with him. The last incident of this type occurred on August 11, when she related he came home intoxicated and used physical force to compel her to have sex with him.
As a result, she called the police and obtained an order of protection against the perpetrator husband in Family Court.
As is typical of abusive personalities, the perpetrator husband would often blame her for all the incidents. Periodically, he would ask for her forgiveness and promise to change. However, when she would ask him to see a psychiatrist he would refuse and tell her she was the crazy one.
The result of the different forms of abuse she experienced has been a noticeable change in the perpetrator husband’s personality. For example, she no longer feels secure about herself and believes her self-esteem has been severely damaged. She finds it hard to trust others or to accept positive feedback.
Physical abuse
Paola has experienced various types of abuse by her perpetrator husband including emotional, physical, sexual and economic abuse. It is very clear that he used her immigration status as a means to control, intimidate and humiliate her.
Furthermore, Paola married her perpetrator husband in good faith and made every effort to try to maintain the relationship because she loved her husband and wanted to keep the family unit intact. It has been a very painful and disappointing experience for Paola to have her marriage fail and to have suffered much abuse in the process.
The complexity and strength of the intimate relationship creates many barriers to dissolution. Paola indicated that her perpetrators husband’s left the home and have not returned.
EFFECTS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
As is typical of domestic violence victims, the victim suffered in silence and did not share the intimate details of the abuse the victim were experiencing. It was especially hard for the victims to divulge the intimate details of her sexual relationship and the victims expressed that it was very hard for the perpetrator husband.
The sum effect of the failure of the victim marriage has left her feeling very sad, traumatized, and in the victims words “a failure” and with no desire to live.
The victim finds it them to trust others, especially men. The victims often recall how the perpetrator treated them. The victims went through a very difficult period after separating in which the abuser was withdrawn, very sad, lacked energy, cried constantly, and unable to sleep. The victims also were very fearful of perpetrators and continue to be afraid of perpetrator husbands.
When we discussed the reasons, the victim remained in the relationship, the victim identified a variety including her love for and attraction to the perpetrator desire to have the relationship work out, and the victim hope that she could help the perpetrator husbands. These are all common reasons why victims of abuse remain in such situations.
The victims have experienced various types of abuse by the perpetrator husbands including emotional, psychological sexual (forced to have sex) and economic abuse. It is apparent that the victim’s husband used the immigration status as a means to humiliate and intimidate the victims. The victims did marry her husband’s in good faith and made every effort to try to maintain the relationship because they loved their husband and wanted the marriage to succeed.
The victims desperately wanted this marriage to work because unintentionally supports the perpetrators minimization, denial, externalization, and rationalization of the violent behavior.
The dynamics of using physical psychological violence to obtain power and control over another; the experience of domestic violence victims is understood by many experts to be akin to torture and terrorism in the house.
